Intent and Injury

 

Content Warning

These next three posts are going to be about the minefield that is sensitivity and offence – deliberate or otherwise. Everything will be from my perspective, and the views expressed are not intended as guidance of any kind.

If this is a delicate subject for you, please skip forward to Light Verse. Thank you.

In Earther 27, I explore themes of oppression from the viewpoint of the victim. In The Avlem Burden, we see things from the oppressor’s angle – and it’s not a simple case of good and evil for anyone.

Brinnesha Tynar is very aware of her inherited Avlem privilege, and would rather die than cause a moment’s pain to any of the “downtrodden Elementals” who live and work in and around her town. She never intends harm, but she does so very much of it out of sheer ignorance.

To develop the character of Brinnesha, I initially thought that I would draw on my experiences of observing this ignorant behaviour in others. But I realised quite quickly that I had plenty of my own mistakes to learn from. Times when I’d unintentionally hurt someone and only found out when it was too late. And how I felt, and still feel, when these mistakes come to light.

The first response is almost always defensive. I can’t really have hurt anyone, can I? I don’t do that kind of thing, and anyway I didn’t mean to. These days that defensive response is usually out of the way in seconds, though the greater the injury the harder it is to get past the “not my fault!” instinct.

It’s tempting to reason that only Bad People do Bad Things, and since I am, of course, a Good Person, it is impossible that I should ever do a Bad Thing. Hurting people is Bad, I’m Good, therefore I don’t hurt people. QED.

It is hard — and indeed, painful — to admit to myself that I might have done something that I need to apologise for. Really apologise, not “I’m sorry (sad to hear) that you’re upset” but “I’m sorry (feel regret) that I caused you pain”. 

Is there ever a place for “I didn’t mean it”? Maybe. Personally, I like to assume that people who've hurt me didn’t do so on purpose. It makes it easier to let it go, and put the pain behind me. The few times I’ve been on the receiving end of deliberate abuse have been harder to forget than the many times people have touched raw nerves by accident. 

So, I’m going to assume mistake rather than malice wherever possible, but not everyone can make that assumption. So a sincere apology is the best thing any of us can do when we realise that we’ve blundered. And if I must offer an excuse, let it be to ease the other person’s hurt and not my own. 

Of course, “I didn’t mean to…” isn’t the only excuse triggered by the defensive reaction. There’s a whole load of justifications that can spew out if I’m not careful — but that’s a topic for tomorrow’s post.